(rosh chodesh!!!)


   years among the goyim: eighteen and counting...
   (i so can't wait to make aliyah.)

   you know what makes me upset? people who for some reason or another are unable to tell you how they feel about you to your face... it's simply ridiculous.  for once i will not be posting about the sitution in eretz israel or antisemitism. as you probably already know two of my friends (x and y, we'll call them) are at odds with one another and in my attempt to console a friend, i, in all my stupid altruism, left y a comment in response to a post on her blog, one in which she said that she felt she was being a terrible friend to a number of people. in any case the post that i left her was as follows: i basically told her that i thought she was a wonderful friend to me at least (as i generally do not like to speak for others) and that i understand why she feels distant from x and i, and that i felt pretty much the same (which should be no surprise to anyone seeing that i've already posted about it in my own blog). well x apparently read this (although why someone would read comments on someone else's blog is entirely beyond me) and came to the (very unfair) conclusion that i was taking y's side and posted about my bias in her blog... i hope she can find a way to explain the logic behind that because i'm honestly confused. and what makes me even more upset is that she was talking to me on AIM just prior to posting her opinions about me... and this isn't the first time she's done this to me. just last week at anopther friend (w)'s house she threw a conniption fit because she thought that something i said was out of line (and i still don't get that one either) and when she stormed out to her car she told me to go away so she could talk to w... it turns out that she was mad at me yet she didn't feel the need to run that by me, maybe she was hoping i'd find out from w? and then she acted like everything was okay afterward, like i'm an idiot or something. in any case i decided not to make an issue of it ...  until now. and that time a few weeks ago where she announced that she didn't appreciate my constant talk about all things jewish, and i had to hear about that from none other than friend y... i don't get it. is there some kind of sign on my back proclaiming to all the world that i was born yesterday or something? why doesn't she fell the need to let me know how she feels about me to my face? and the only reason i'm not letting her know to her face is because she said she didn't want to talk to anyone, including me, so this is the only way i can tell her how i feel without using an intermediary... i'm so sick of her not taking me seriously, whenever i have a problem with her i either tell her to her face or i remain silent, there is no middle ground... does she realize how unfair she is being? what exactly does she hope to achieve by telling everyone else and their mother how she feels about me while leaving me in the dark? i'd really like to know. and she thinks that i received all my info on the situation from katie and as a result, am intervening where i'm not needed without having heard the entire story when the truth is i heard accounts from both friends y and w (who is doing everything she can to remain neutral)... and i'm sorry if comforting a friend and lending my support at a time when she might need it is a sign of overt favoritism and i apologize for not feeling the need to beg x to tell me how she's feeling about me... actually i'm really not sorry, someone please tell me why should i always have to aplologize for what i believe is right in order to salvage a relationship that i feel has been making me nothing but deeply upset as of late...  all we do is argue, i always feel like trash, and quite frankly i'm getting sick of it... i'm tired of always holding back, letting it all build up inside, for fear of hurting others... no one seems to appreciate my altruism anyway.  i don't know what to do anymore but i do know that i'm fast approaching the breaking point after which i fear there is no turning back... i'm completely frayed at trhe moment, and i think i've honestly had enough of all the garbage...
   for those of you who were looking for more commentary on israel or something of a similar nature i'm sorry i had to bore you with all the sordid details of my personal life, but then again, isn't blogging made for times like these? i'm sure i'll find some more judeocentric material to post later.